How to Help Keep Him Happy and on Track
by Joanna Lilley, MA, NCC, founder of Lilley Consulting
Your college student back home with mom and dad, before Spring Break? And likely not returning to college till the Fall? If your college student has been happy at school this year,
this news is probably not making him or her too happy. Gone is the sense of independence, the resident friends, the easy social life. But no one asked for this plague, not your kids, and not their parents either.
You as parents are probably both nervous and happy to have your young adult child home. You are probably also worried about keeping your child on track,
in an unscripted environment, to help him finish the semester off well. Parents are trying to be both empathetic and proactive in helping your child stay on track with his school work, which he should be finishing remotely.
Most of our kids are not used to this. But it is a narrow bridge that you as a parent are walking to help him retain
his sense of freedom and yet to be self-disciplined and get his schoolwork done.
If you need help in maintaining this balance, seek out help, perhaps from a parenting coach, to help you keep the tension in
your home to a minimum. Though you may still see your child as a little kid, you have to remember that he or she is a young adult,
beginning to negotiate those shoals of independence. You don't want to stifle those abilities and that burgeoning
self-confidence. There is no shame in discussing your delicate strategies with a professional. The fact that the coach is not your
your child's parent can really help him maintain a better perspective and be more objective than you are.
You are surely worried about your child maintaining a real schedule: not waking up at 11:00 a.m. and / or going to bed at
3:00 a.m. These kids know what they must do, but the question is, can they do it without their college environment and peer
pressure? They will either get it done, or they won't. You can't force them to wake up on time and do their work.
Your role is to leave your college student alone, and not make demands on him that will preclude his getting his work done.
(For instance, don't demand that he spend half a day every day babysitting for a younger sibling.)
You are hoping to see that your child has the executive functioning skills and ability to successfully do this on his or her
own. While it is always OK for a parent to ask for some help from a child, don't presume to take up the greater part of his
day if he is tackling his school work.
An important caveat: Make sure your young adult is not treating being home as if he is on Spring Break.
What if he or she is
not
doing school work at all? You will need to address this directly, but carefully. Don't insult your child, but warn them that they are in danger of losing the semester's
gains (nobody wants to fail and have to repeat classes.) An even bigger concern is what they are doing with their time. Right now, for their sake, for your sake, for your community's
sake, they need to be practicing social distancing. If they are sneaking out to hang out with friends it is just not acceptable, and you will need to put your foot down.
Your child is home because of a public health epidemic. This is not a time to catch up with your friends from high school,
unless your child is practicing social distancing, which is not so easy to do when hanging out! Think of those Gen Z kids at
the beach!
If your college student is open with you and lets you know he is struggling. offer to help him. That is why he is telling you about his problems.
If he isn't telling you he is struggling but you have a hunch he is, honor that private pain with support. A lot of
colleges are still trying to offer support remotely but that is not so personal and direct. Perhaps you or he can find a
college coach who is not
affiliated with their campus to help provide support though. It's better than nothing! And worse case scenario, if your
child needs to withdraw or request an incomplete for a class it's important to understand the implications of this
process. With them being home, it's hard to hide if they are failing their classes. You cannot shame your child.
There is no room for shaming, but if you make it clear that you will not continue to pay for their college
education if they are making no efforts, he may find himself much more motivated to work at his studies.
Don't put yourself and the rest of your family at risk to your collective health. If your kids are trying to bring friends in to your home, you have every right to forbid it.
Parents are riddled with the combination of excitement at having their kids home, and real fear at the threat of COVID-19.
Unfortunately, this fear is well founded. We all know people who are sick, or worse.
Make sure you are taking care of yourself and the rest of your family, too. If you need guidance and support,
find a professional to help support you
during the next few months, or a wise friend who has parented adult kids. We are all charting the unknown this Spring,
and we need to enlist the right kind aid to help us through a grave crisis.
For questions or comments contact Joanna at 970-218-9958 or via email.
Disclaimer: Internet Special Education Resources (ISER) provides this information in an effort to help parents find local special education professionals and resources. ISER does not recommend or endorse any particular special education referral source, special educational methodological bias, type of special education professional, or specific special education professional.